Healing

I haven't written in a while, and part of it is because I knew I would have to write this.  I suppose it's best just to start and see where we end up.

Three weeks ago today, my Grandma Manookin passed away.  I guess you never stop to think about how something like that can affect your life.  Something that is never talked about is that after death of a loved one, your life still has to go on.  That was a concept that was hard for me to understand for several weeks.  How could my life be so altered and still continue?

My grandmother loved unconditionally, supported constantly and genuinely was the most Christlike person I have ever met.  You would never leave without feeling like the most important person in the world.  We were all her favorites, and she never failed to show us that. 

I remember when I got married, she would constantly tell me how excited she was for great grand babies.  The Christmas I told her that I was pregnant with Lillie, you should have seen the look of excitement on her face.  Tears of joy started streaming down her face and she told me "That's wonderful hun. I can't wait to be a great grandma."

She came with papa to the hospital after I had Lillie, and I think this picture sums up just how excited she was to have the new little grand baby in her life.

I hurts that she won't be here for the rest of her great grandbabies.  It hurts that I won't be able to bring my children to see her and feel how special she made you feel.  And most of all, it's hurts that she is gone. 

At the funeral, a part of me was hurting so badly for the loss of my grandmother.  I couldn't seem to stop the tears.  I just couldn't believe she was really gone.  It was humbling to see the large family that I am a part of comforting each other. 

Reminders of Grandma are everywhere.  She had finished all of the April birthday cards the day before she died which means I recieved mine in the mail.  I can't seem to get myself to take it out of the envelope.  It's still sitting on my counter. 

After the funeral I lost a sense of who I was.  The next two weeks were kind of a haze for me.  I didn't craft, play music, shop, cook or anything that I usually love to do.  I felt like a robot going through the motions.  I took care of Lillie and that was all I could do.  I locked away the tears because if I let them out at all, they overtook me.  I was in a deep depression.

This last week has been better for me though.  I feel like I am able to function again and that I have found myself all over again.  It was a rough time, that's for certain, but I am grateful for my loving husband that patiently did whatever he could to help me.

I know that I will see my grandma again someday.  I am grateful for that knowledge.  I don't know how people that aren't of our faith can cope.  It would be too much for me to handle if I didn't know that I would see her again and that this isn't the end.  There is life after death.  I know that.

I miss her, but life does need to go on, and it has.  The stories and memories I have will be what I share with my children and I hope that I can make them feel as special as she has always made me feel.  That will be her legacy.  I hope to be like her someday.